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| Photo from the Women's Equality Party. |
I don't want to be inspiring. I just want to be safe.
On Monday this week, it was International Women’s Day and social media, as usual, was full of people going on about “inspirational women”. They failed to notice that the theme this year was #ChooseToChallenge. And we all are now.
Jess Phillips was shown on the news reading out the names of all the women in the UK who were killed by a man. Jess Phillips does this every year for International Women’s Day. It doesn’t usually get on the news.
Women were waiting for news about Sarah Everard, who had been missing for a week. You know what happened.
And now we are angry. Well, we are always angry. It’s just come to the surface again.
We are angry about victim blaming. We are angry about having to modify our behaviour when we are not the problem. We are angry about not being listened to.
We are angry that the ingrained, everyday fear caused by everyday male aggression is considered normal: something we just have to put up with. While at the same time, a woman getting kidnapped or killed is considered to be not normal. We are angry at being told that attacks on women are rare, when the statistics tell a different story.
We are angry at talk about “bad apples” and “mental health issues”. Male hatred and violence towards women is not about a few individuals: it’s systemic. We aren’t all going to get raped or killed, but we never know which of these normal, everyday incidents might end that way.
You can see the anger through the evolution of this week’s hashtags.
#TooManyMen (in response to the perennial #NotAllMen).
#EveryWomanYouKnow (because it is, and we all have stories).
#CurfewForMen (satire).
#NotAllMenButAllWomen.
#EnoughIsEnough (started by the Women’s Equality Party).
#WomensLivesMatter.
Last night, I was watching BBC News and the presenter said that the Sarah Everard tragedy has "got Britain talking". Women have been talking about this stuff for YEARS. Just no-one listens.
And now, we are talking to each other even more. Talking about putting up with anti-social behaviour “because we don't know he won't kick off”. Realising that “Normal men aren't safe.”
Because we never know when harassment will tip over into aggression, or aggression will tip over into violence. That’s why women are constantly on the alert.
I’m remembering things from my teenage years that I thought I’d forgotten. My mum telling me when travelling by train to always get in a carriage where there were other women. The footpath near my school that was out of bounds because of flashers. (The thread on the school reunion Facebook page keeps on growing.) Learning to always modify my own behaviour.
And things seem to be even worse now for young women than they were then. Reading some of the #EveryWomanYouKnow stories has been an eye-opener even for me.
Anyway, it looks like some men are starting to listen. “What can I do?” they ask. “What are we doing wrong?”
The "nice" men seem to be obsessed with how not to scare a woman when walking down the same street. It feel like they are missing the point. It’s not about whether women are scared of you. It’s the fact that they have to be scared, always.
These questions bring back memories of the Black Lives Matter conversations last year. When there's an imbalance in society, it's not up to the victims to educate people out of it. And it's your responsibility, not ours.
So here’s my message to all the men asking what they should do or not do to help women feel safe in public. It's simple. Don't be a dick.
And if you don’t know how to not be a dick, here are some do’s and don’ts.
If you’re one of the nice men, you’re probably not doing the things in the “don’ts” list. So maybe you are not part of the problem.
But if you’re not doing the things in the “do’s” list, you’re not part of the solution either.
Things to do
Treat women as equal human beings with a right to respect and autonomy. It's not complicated.
Listen to your wives/girlfriends/mothers/sisters/colleagues. Without making a joke about it, changing the subject or making it about you.
Educate yourself. Start here: #EveryWomanYouKnow.
When a man does something bad to one of us, think carefully about who’s actually to blame.
Check your privilege: the things you take for granted, that women can't do.
Believe us when we say that toxic masculinity is a thing. It's not a theory: it's what we experience, in practice.
Hold other men accountable for their actions.
Challenge everyday sexism.
If you’re in a group, try not to act like a pack.
If you have male friends acting like a dick around women, call it out. And don't join in.
If you see a man attacking a woman, verbally or physically, defend her.
Stop worrying about being an alpha male.
If a woman makes you feel angry, stop and think about why.
Things not to do
Confusing strength with aggression.
Thinking you are right all the time.
“Banter”.
Catcalling.
Road rage.
Saying “Not all men”.
Intimidating strangers, because they are female.
Invading a woman’s space.
Insulting a woman because of what she looks like.
Threats.
Bullying.
Unsolicited attention in public places.
Telling a woman to cheer up, even if you don’t know her.
Talking or shouting at women you don’t know. Getting angry when they don’t reply.
Picking fights online with a woman you’ve never met.
Following a woman home.
Shouting at a woman at work and then saying “you made me do it”.
Hitting a woman at home and then saying “you made me do it”.
Attacking protesters and saying they made you do it.
Indecent exposure.
Groping a woman at a gig.
Groping a woman at work.
Groping a woman on public transport.
Domestic abuse of any kind: mental, physical, sexual, coercive.
Stalking.
Rape.
Kidnapping.
Murder.
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