Things I have forgotten how to do

I keep thinking that life has gone back to normal after the pandemic. Then I remember there is no such thing as “after the pandemic”.

I kept the lockdown rules, all that time ago. I carried on with similar behaviour after lockdown was ended. When there were other lockdowns, I didn’t really notice the difference. I forgot that I once lived my life differently.

I became risk-averse. I kept my distance, kept away from public transport and public buildings, wore facemasks everywhere. (I still wear them, even though I know they only work when everyone does it.  Remember “I wear my mask to protect you…”?) 

I tried to remind people that just because the government tells you something it doesn’t mean it’s true. 

I got used to not going anywhere, to only meeting people out of doors, to rarely socialising.

There were things I forgot how to do.

Wear earrings.

Wear mascara.

Wear anything that isn’t the same two T-shirts.

Talk to people.

I have been constantly “talking” to people online for the last two years. It has kept me sane during lockdown and the general hiding-from-covid days/months/years.

But it’s not the same as actually talking to people.

On Saturday night I went to a party, in a place where I used to live, because the people giving the party are important to me. 

I sat near an open door, and wore a mask most of the time. I was the only person wearing one. I tried to circulate, because there were people I wanted to see, but it’s hard when you’re constantly worrying about ventilation. And I tried to talk to people.

There were people there who I have talked to recently on Facebook. I didn’t know what to say to them in real life and in real time.

During the last two and a half years of working differently, I learnt the phrase “asynchronous communication”. I think it mostly means talking to people on Slack.

I think I have forgotten how to do synchronous communication.

I had a Twitter conversation (or should that be “conversation”?) the other day about autistic masking, small talk and following scripts. And yes, I do have scripts for certain people and certain situations. The scripts are so meaningless that afterwards I think to myself: “I’ve just been making noise.”

But I wanted to do actual conversation, not scripted, with people I used to know and like. And I had no idea how to do it.

So I shouted “Hello” above the music and someone shouted back “Long time no see” and I didn’t know what to say after that. 

Afterwards, I felt a bit of a failure. It was a long way to go to not talk to people. Maybe I should have prepared a script after all.  Or remembered that I actually needed to do it.