How not to be scared of being yourself

 

I’ve been blogging here for nearly 15 years and I’ve always been anonymous. I can’t now remember why. 

It might have been because when I started I still had a job. There were things I didn’t want to be seen saying, like Why I’m scared to leave my job. And there were people who I didn’t want to see who I was behind the work persona.

It might have been because I was shy. You might not think it from what I share online, but I’ve always been quite a private person. Hiding behind a pen-name (pixel-name?) allowed me to be more open, because no-one knew who I was.

I think that might be about to change. 

It’s been hard over the years as I switched from one Twitter account to another to remember who I am supposed to be. I’ve ended up following some of the same people, which makes it even more confusing. The idea was that one account would be personal and the other would be professional (there’s a third one, too, where I follow people who tweet about words). But life isn’t like that any more. Well, I work for myself now so life can be what I want it to.

One thing that’s happened since I started writing this blog that has made me look at things differently is finding out I am autistic. I’ve realised that autistic people often have trouble working out who they are. It’s because we spend so much time masking, I think: trying to fit in. So I’ve been trying on different versions of myself all my life and it’s probably time to try and integrate them. (Which reminds me, I really must read The Golden Notebook again.)

Another thing that’s happened is that I’ve been writing memoir and you can’t get much more personal than that. I had a short piece in an online anthology last year, with my actual name on, and I’ve written a full-length book which I hope to get published. So there’s not much point being shy in those circumstances.

The most recent thing that’s happened is I’ve made a Substack which I think people who know me under this name will like. But it’s under my real name. 

And I’m tired of hiding. So here I am.

This blog, Older than Elvis, is me off-duty, unmasked and strictly personal.

This website is the professional me. It’s mostly promoting my work to potential clients, but the blog is quite fun if you like that sort of thing.

And this is somewhere in between. The professional me from many years ago, with things that the personal me still cares about.

Hi.